Getting to Know Him

There is a three week visitation requirement in Kazakhstan before you can apply for the adoption of the child. So for every day with the exception of Sunday (baby washing day) we visited.  We headed back to the orphanage again the next day and my emotions were all over the place. I felt a heavy blanket of guilt for leaving behind "Y" and knowing that we would see him again with each orphanage visit. At the same time, I was overjoyed at the thought of holding Grant again. He did better the second day meaning he didn't scream the entire time. He did sleep most of the time which would become his usual means of coping. I also think he was given medicine to make him sleepy and drowsy. No child sleeps that much and that deeply.  He was impossible to wake up. Eric even held him upside down one day to try to wake him without success.  It didn't matter what time of day we came, he looked at us and then slept.  "Little M" (the one year old adopted the day we met 'Y' didn't do that with her new mother "T". She played and laughed and toddled around happily. Grant sat and stared with a dazed blank affect on his face and then dozed off. We were scolded multiple times for letting him sleep too!

I loved feeling his little cheek against mine. 

We tried spending our days outside with him. The inside rooms didn't get any breeze and the staff wouldn't allow us to open any windows anyway.  So for several hours we would walk around the orphanage grounds watching the older children play and vie for our attention.

My Sweet Boy

The nanny brought our new son in wearing a purple onesie not ten minutes after we first saw him. They had obviously woken him up from his nap. He clung to his nanny with those chubby arms locked solidly around her neck. He started screaming when he saw us. Again, not the introduction I had hoped for, but at the very least, I knew I had the right child this time. There was never a waiver. Despite his diagnosis of a heart defect, a cerebral palsy type diagnosis,  and severe pneumonia that left him hospitalized for 5 weeks as an infant, and what looked like on paper as some severe cognitive issues, he was ours.  I could have cared less what his papers said. I felt such relief!

I decided to take him out of the nannies arms after what seemed like 10 minutes of screaming from him thinking back to how you handle the nursery babies at church who scream for their moms. The nanny stood off to the side with tears in her eyes. I could tell she was very close to him.  I held his stiff little body in my arms and he put his cheek on mine. From this point on, Grant would always rest his cheek on mine. He was so very scared. He screamed when Eric came near him.  I'm not sure, but Eric may not even have gotten to hold him that first day.

We left the orphanage that day extremely exhausted but happy. We would soon discover that Grant was not a happy child. His solemn little heart and his sadness was almost palpable.  Someone once told me that I "got lucky with adoption because I didn't have to go through any of the pain of labor". Little did this person know just how much pain I went through with this adoption. 

Finding Grant

We met with the orphanage director who was speaking with our coordinator. Then a nanny came in with a bundle of pink. A beautiful, happy one year old baby was placed in "T"'s arms (a single American woman adopting with the same adoption agency). They were happy and were instantly a family. Then the door opened again, and a little girl about 5 years old came in with a nanny. She went to the director who said a little something, gave her a piece of candy, and sent her on her way. Surely my turn was next. 

The next time the nanny came in, she walked into the room hand in hand with a little boy that seemed to be a small 2 or 3 year old that I will refer to as "Y". His face was a red swollen mess of hard knots caused by mosquito bites. It was so bad that you couldn't even tell what he looked like. It was truly heartbreaking to look at as he just looked so uncomfortable. They placed his little swollen hand in mine and clearly told him I was his new mama. I didn't know what to do or what to feel at that moment. BUT I knew something wasn't right at all. Never, never mess with a mother's instincts. I wanted my boy. But, just maybe I didn't understand this bonding process like I thought I did. Maybe I thought I'd know when I saw my son. 

They encouraged us to visit with him in a larger room which we did. While in there, I simply felt like I was staring at this child hoping my son would be coming in soon. They kept encouraging this little guy to come sit on "mama's" lap and talk with "papa". Oh wait, they were talking about me! I asked for his medical to which they brushed me off with a hand gesture. That was my first clue. All adoptable children in Kazakhstan have a medical diagnosis otherwise they are not adoptable. I asked time and time again, but either got the brush off or was told he is okay.  They kept asking us to sign a paper too. Again, I asked what we were signing but got the brush off or was told it "was nothing". After much prodding, the translator said it was just something saying we were visiting him. We later found out it was a document saying we were taking this little boy into our home. 

Once our visiting time for the day was over, we left to go back to our temporary home feeling bewildered as to what just happened. We both were hoping we would feel better the next day. After all, we were absolutely emotionally and physically exhausted and dealing with the affects of jet lag. 


We tried feeling comfortable with the decision that had been made for us. We contacted family via email and told them "It's a Boy!".  We showed the local peace corp worker his picture. We tried bonding and loving as if he was ours. 

When we returned the next day, "Y" had been miraculously healed of his bites. I don't know what they did or what they gave him, but we could actually see his face clearly now. Whatever it is, they should market the stuff in the States because it was nothing short of amazing. Who knows, maybe some steroid cream along with a prednisone dose??? "Y" didn't really play but would stare at us expectantly. He seemed comfortable with strangers as if he had done this before. He would move around and pick up a toy or two. We gave bonding our best effort, but neither one of us felt like he was ours and we were so very, very disappointed and felt deceived. There was something else we were noticing about him. For an "20 month old", he was surprisingly adept in many areas. He knew his right from his left, could put on shoes and buckle them, and didn't toddle around like an institutionalized 20 month old would. I took gifts to his nannies upstairs as that is the only way I could get into his room. That's when I discovered WHY they didn't want me up there. He was in the 3 and 4 year old's room. I handed the little gifts out and heard a multitude of monotone voices chanting in unison "mama, papa". I turned around to noticed the children all sitting on the potty bowls rocking back and forth in unison as if they were a pack of multiples mumbling "mama, papa".  My heart broke all over again which would be a theme of this trip. 

We bought "Y" some new clothes at the shopping center nearby and brought them for our next visit.  As we watched him put on his clothes and buttoning buttons without difficulty, I noticed that his bone structure was not right at all. His left and right side of his rib cage didn't line up and his other bones were not right either so I don't think it was just scoliosis. Something was amiss and no one was going to tell us what. We had repeatedly asked to get his medical information with each daily visit. He obviously had some medical issues and they were obviously lying to us on so many levels. 

On the third day of visiting "Y" and the orphanage, one of the doctors quietly followed us and our translator out to the enclosed foyer where she quietly whispered something in the ear of our translator. Lubyev, our translator,  in turn told us a list of his special needs. There was certainly quite a list of diagnosis that were difficult for them to explain to us in English terms. Two of those diagnosis were ambiguous genitalia and "soft bones". Despite figuring out ourselves that he was special needs and determining from day one that he wasn't our son, we were still dumbfounded.  We had visited with him for three days by then! This child went to bed each night for three nights thinking he now had a mama and a papa! Then, they did something that I still cringe about when I think of it. They brought him back downstairs and outside to the yard, stood him in front of us, and pulled his pants down. My heart sank to my knees when I realized what they were doing to him. I kept saying, "No, no, that is all right. Don't do this outside on the playground".  This poor child. How many times had they done this to him? How many times had they humiliated him in front of strangers?  How many times did they tell him he had parents and hide his needs from foreigners in hopes of coercing  jet-lagged, hopeful parents into signing for him? How much damage can you do to one child? We were angry at them for deceiving us and we were furious over what they had done to "Y". I didn't think I could feel worse about the situation or that my stomach could sink any lower. I felt powerless. 

Eric and I both admitted that he wasn't our son before the diagnosis and now that we were armed with information on their deceptive acts, we knew what we had to do. We came here for our son. We couldn't take "Y" home. He wasn't ours. We were not bonding with him and felt like we were just playing with someone else's child. This was our first adoption and honestly weren't even sure WHAT we were supposed to feel. 

We headed back to the orphanage the next day and told the director that we were not adopting this little boy and that we wanted to see other children. At this point, I remember sitting in her office with my heart literally shattered. I was numb. Eric did all the talking. This wasn't the fairy tale we had in mind. The director told the translator that this was the only child available. It was him or no one. How could this be? At the time there were 70 children there and we weren't even asking for a baby! Again, we knew we were being deceived. Eric said something next that caused me to seriously question his sanity at the time. He clearly told them that if that was the case, we would be leaving on the next flight out and that we would be needing our $10,000 in cash returned to us in US bills. Yep, just that clearly and with all those terms. That gave us about 48 hours before the Sunday flight left.  My jaw was on the floor and I gave him my wickedest eye! This couldn't be happening to me! I just couldn't be one of the ones that came home from Kazakhstan without a son. The coordinator and director then began a heated debate between the two of them and asked us to leave the room for a moment. 

Once Eric and I sat back in the hallway, he explained something to me. He said, "I realized we were looking at this whole thing from an entirely wrong angle. We see this adoption as coming to get our son and we are emotionally tied up in it. They don't see it this way. They are only looking at this as a business deal. So that is exactly how we have to handle it. Trust me!".


Several minutes later they came out and told us that they had children upstairs for us to see. Nothing short of amazing that available children appeared after Eric's ultimatum. They asked us to come back tomorrow as the children were sleeping. Uhhhh.....not gonna happen! We stayed on the bench and politely said we had plenty of time to wait until nap time was over which completely frustrated them. They agreed to let us go upstairs to see the sleeping children. 


We walked into a room of about 13 or so sleeping toddlers. Eric and I quietly tiptoed past each crib looking at the sleeping children all with blankets on in July! We walked over to the last crib by the window. When I looked down at this child, I gasped a bit so surprised to finally see my son sleeping in his crib. Before I could say anything, Eric immediately said, "Well there you are Grant! We've been looking all over for you!". He was wearing a pink Hello Kitty undershirt with a blanket over him and had the sweatiest head of thin, dark brown hair. His thumb was in his mouth and we could only see the side of his face.

Yes, this is what it was supposed to feel like! I literally felt all the same emotions that I felt the first time I held Allyson in my arms the day she was born. I was crying that day too. 

We went back downstairs to tell them again that we would wait until his nap was over so we could meet him. I was wondering how scared would he be? Would he love us or hate us? I never once thought about what medical issues he had. 

The Beginning of the Long and Winding Road

Our apartment in Kazakhstan was a two bedroom on the ninth floor of the tall yellow apartments at the entrance to the old city right on the Ishim River. Those that have been there will know exactly where that is. It is within walking distance to the internet shops and the RAM grocery. The apartment was clean, but dusty as absolutely everything is dusty all the time. There is nothing completely ever clean because of the dust. The water trucks would come around the city around 7 AM or so and water all the plants and then water the streets down to help keep the dirt in the roads. BTW, the workers are always cleaning the streets, sidewalks, caring for the flowers and trees, and picking up trash. A lesson we should learn in some of our own cities.  

The apartment had no sheets or pillows on the boxspring. If you read through posts, you will notice I have mentioned "boxspring" twice now. Seriously, the "beds" were tuff and not really a mattress at all. Our coordinator (who could not speak English) eventually came back with a sheet set and towels. The phone did not really work. If you ever so slightly moved or breathed while on it, you'd lose the call. The ringer didn't work either so if the tv was on or were in another room, you couldn't hear it buzz. Once Eric was back home with Allyson, I missed many a call from my family. They would literally try for hours to get a call through. I was in tears when I found out. I missed them so much!

We headed to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs for our interview and to show them our pictures of our home and family. It was fast and not a lot was even said. A few questions about what we knew about Kazakhstan, did we know who their president was, things like that. The next day we were off to the orphanage. I remember being kind of mesmerized by the city of Astana at the time. It has changed significantly since our time there. However, in 2004, it had a big city bustle on some streets and a small town feel on others. I loved seeing the kids jumping in and swimming near the small dam across town, the Communist style block apartment buildings, and the babushkas carrying their vegetables home to cook. 

The orphanage was on the outskirts of town off a dirt road. If it rained, we couldn't always get into the baby home entrance due to the mud. On one of our visits, a man offered to take us across the muddy road in his car. We were standing about 500 yards from the baby home, but the mud seemed knee deep to me (being a girl of short stature and all). We did make it over that day, but I thought for sure Eric would be pushing that guy's Lada out of the mud! The home sat next to a small three story apartment building that always had young teens hanging around outside. I saw a teenager or two with Down's Syndrome there as well. I wonder if that building is still there and wonder if those children had parents. Were they the children that had aged out of the system? 

We drove in through the gates that first day and I was literally a nervous wreck. Where was my boy? Was he watching from a window? What would we see once we entered the baby home? As we got out of the car, the four and five year old children were outside playing and came over to the curb to see who was visiting. I heard these children calling  out, "MAMA! PAPA!" trying to get our attention. I looked at Eric and he looked at me. I remember saying, "There is no way that I can do this". How can you leave with only one. The children want parents so so badly. They want you to see them, to pay attention to them. They flash their smiles, show off their abilities on the slide or swing, flirt a bit ~ all in hopes that you will choose them.

All Aboard!

After a year of paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork along with endless, painful waiting, we were headed to Kazakhstan. Or so we thought..(insert screeching wheels sound here). You see, we had a date to leave and a plane tickets purchased. We had bags packed and our daughter prepped. We had grandparents waiting in the wings to watch her. BUT as some of you know how foreign countries work, we were called at the very last minute that we couldn't board the plane as the country's registrar left on an early holiday. Seriously, is there only one registrar to sign off that the child has been on "the list" for 6 months without any visits? Are you kidding me? Eric rolled with the punches and went to work. I cried all weekend long. I wanted to find my boy.

We left for our first flight over to Kazakhstan via Heathrow airport out of Philadelphia. I was a nervous wreck. It literally made me sick to think of leaving Allyson for three weeks. She was in the very best care after all she was with grandparents ~two sets no less! But I felt so guilty for leaving her. If I had known at the time that I was leaving her for 2 months, I don't know if I would have gotten on the plane. 

I remember checking in for our flights with 2 suitcases and 2 backpacks. The clerk kindly asked, "Kazakhstan? Wow!". Yes, we said. "We're heading to adopt a boy." He asked how old he was? Ha! Told him we had no idea because we were going to Kazakhstan to find him as we didn't even know who is was. Talk about adventure into the unknown. The clerk smiled. Said Congratulations. And upgraded us to first class for our 9 pm flight. Now that was nice! Six hours later we ended up in Heathrow for a layover wait of about 6 hours after which we headed onto the world's smallest plane for the world's longest flight. We arrived in Almaty after a 13 hour flight and had to wait 12 more hours to catch our next one to Astana. 

We stayed at the Kazzhol Hotel (wouldn't recommend it unless you are with a big, burly guy). Then again, if you're with a big burly guy, I can testify took turns sleeping as the "full size" boxspring wouldn't hold the both of us. The doors to the "patio that you don't step out on" didn't have any locks. The bellboys were sleeping on the foyer couches when we arrived and never bother to get up to help carry our bags upstairs (no elevator). However, the shower was the very best shower in the entire world. Or, at least, it seemed like that after traveling for so many hours! 

So after our layover and our stay at the Kazzhol, we headed on board an Air Astana standing room only flight. No worries, we got a seat! But in order to get our boarding passes and our "overweight" luggage on the flight, we had to haggle down our bribe to the porter and then slip the agreed upon amount under the counter. Welcome to Kazakhstan!

One day in and already an adventure!

Decision to Adopt

Allyson was four years old and the light of our lives. I stayed at home with her, and we played all day! We were comfortable with our life and our family until one day, I really felt like we were not complete. I didn't feel like we were missing a baby or a pregnancy; we were missing a person in our family. That seems to be the only way I can explain it. Yes, we tried futile fertility treatments because, well, when you want to add to your family, you get pregnant right? I didn't even want a pregnancy. I've said before that I am so thankful for my fertility problems!

Eric came home one day and pointed out how foolish the fertility treatments were for us. It wasn't what we wanted anyway. We wanted to adopt. We had always talked about it, and now, it was time to act! I had talked to multiple agencies within 24 hours. I was nervous and excited. 

We ended up signing with an agency who promised us a child from South Korea. It was and still is a very, very good program. We paid the application fee, but a few days later, after another agency called us again regarding a little boy, we were redirected to Kazakhstan. We didn't take the little boy they had a picture of, but we realized that South Korea wasn't where we were supposed to go. We lost the application fee and turned our hearts to Kazakhstan. 

Honestly, the year that it took us to adopt Grant was one of the very hardest years I've had. I think I was so nervous about something that I could not control that I lost my focus. My focus became the adoption and only the adoption. NOT a good place to be. So glad I learned from this adoption so I could be better at the next!

Putting Memories to Paper

Where to start.....August 2003, we began the adoption process in Kazakhstan. One year later, we sat in a courtroom in Astana, Kazakhstan before one of the most stern judges I've ever seen. Some many things happened in between that time. It was a roller coaster adoption. The stories I have from our in country experience are simply priceless. Not all good memories, but many memories that are ones I will treasure for my entire life. It was a life changing experience indeed. I hope to post my stories, my experiences, and my memories of our time in Kazland.