Finding Grant

We met with the orphanage director who was speaking with our coordinator. Then a nanny came in with a bundle of pink. A beautiful, happy one year old baby was placed in "T"'s arms (a single American woman adopting with the same adoption agency). They were happy and were instantly a family. Then the door opened again, and a little girl about 5 years old came in with a nanny. She went to the director who said a little something, gave her a piece of candy, and sent her on her way. Surely my turn was next. 

The next time the nanny came in, she walked into the room hand in hand with a little boy that seemed to be a small 2 or 3 year old that I will refer to as "Y". His face was a red swollen mess of hard knots caused by mosquito bites. It was so bad that you couldn't even tell what he looked like. It was truly heartbreaking to look at as he just looked so uncomfortable. They placed his little swollen hand in mine and clearly told him I was his new mama. I didn't know what to do or what to feel at that moment. BUT I knew something wasn't right at all. Never, never mess with a mother's instincts. I wanted my boy. But, just maybe I didn't understand this bonding process like I thought I did. Maybe I thought I'd know when I saw my son. 

They encouraged us to visit with him in a larger room which we did. While in there, I simply felt like I was staring at this child hoping my son would be coming in soon. They kept encouraging this little guy to come sit on "mama's" lap and talk with "papa". Oh wait, they were talking about me! I asked for his medical to which they brushed me off with a hand gesture. That was my first clue. All adoptable children in Kazakhstan have a medical diagnosis otherwise they are not adoptable. I asked time and time again, but either got the brush off or was told he is okay.  They kept asking us to sign a paper too. Again, I asked what we were signing but got the brush off or was told it "was nothing". After much prodding, the translator said it was just something saying we were visiting him. We later found out it was a document saying we were taking this little boy into our home. 

Once our visiting time for the day was over, we left to go back to our temporary home feeling bewildered as to what just happened. We both were hoping we would feel better the next day. After all, we were absolutely emotionally and physically exhausted and dealing with the affects of jet lag. 


We tried feeling comfortable with the decision that had been made for us. We contacted family via email and told them "It's a Boy!".  We showed the local peace corp worker his picture. We tried bonding and loving as if he was ours. 

When we returned the next day, "Y" had been miraculously healed of his bites. I don't know what they did or what they gave him, but we could actually see his face clearly now. Whatever it is, they should market the stuff in the States because it was nothing short of amazing. Who knows, maybe some steroid cream along with a prednisone dose??? "Y" didn't really play but would stare at us expectantly. He seemed comfortable with strangers as if he had done this before. He would move around and pick up a toy or two. We gave bonding our best effort, but neither one of us felt like he was ours and we were so very, very disappointed and felt deceived. There was something else we were noticing about him. For an "20 month old", he was surprisingly adept in many areas. He knew his right from his left, could put on shoes and buckle them, and didn't toddle around like an institutionalized 20 month old would. I took gifts to his nannies upstairs as that is the only way I could get into his room. That's when I discovered WHY they didn't want me up there. He was in the 3 and 4 year old's room. I handed the little gifts out and heard a multitude of monotone voices chanting in unison "mama, papa". I turned around to noticed the children all sitting on the potty bowls rocking back and forth in unison as if they were a pack of multiples mumbling "mama, papa".  My heart broke all over again which would be a theme of this trip. 

We bought "Y" some new clothes at the shopping center nearby and brought them for our next visit.  As we watched him put on his clothes and buttoning buttons without difficulty, I noticed that his bone structure was not right at all. His left and right side of his rib cage didn't line up and his other bones were not right either so I don't think it was just scoliosis. Something was amiss and no one was going to tell us what. We had repeatedly asked to get his medical information with each daily visit. He obviously had some medical issues and they were obviously lying to us on so many levels. 

On the third day of visiting "Y" and the orphanage, one of the doctors quietly followed us and our translator out to the enclosed foyer where she quietly whispered something in the ear of our translator. Lubyev, our translator,  in turn told us a list of his special needs. There was certainly quite a list of diagnosis that were difficult for them to explain to us in English terms. Two of those diagnosis were ambiguous genitalia and "soft bones". Despite figuring out ourselves that he was special needs and determining from day one that he wasn't our son, we were still dumbfounded.  We had visited with him for three days by then! This child went to bed each night for three nights thinking he now had a mama and a papa! Then, they did something that I still cringe about when I think of it. They brought him back downstairs and outside to the yard, stood him in front of us, and pulled his pants down. My heart sank to my knees when I realized what they were doing to him. I kept saying, "No, no, that is all right. Don't do this outside on the playground".  This poor child. How many times had they done this to him? How many times had they humiliated him in front of strangers?  How many times did they tell him he had parents and hide his needs from foreigners in hopes of coercing  jet-lagged, hopeful parents into signing for him? How much damage can you do to one child? We were angry at them for deceiving us and we were furious over what they had done to "Y". I didn't think I could feel worse about the situation or that my stomach could sink any lower. I felt powerless. 

Eric and I both admitted that he wasn't our son before the diagnosis and now that we were armed with information on their deceptive acts, we knew what we had to do. We came here for our son. We couldn't take "Y" home. He wasn't ours. We were not bonding with him and felt like we were just playing with someone else's child. This was our first adoption and honestly weren't even sure WHAT we were supposed to feel. 

We headed back to the orphanage the next day and told the director that we were not adopting this little boy and that we wanted to see other children. At this point, I remember sitting in her office with my heart literally shattered. I was numb. Eric did all the talking. This wasn't the fairy tale we had in mind. The director told the translator that this was the only child available. It was him or no one. How could this be? At the time there were 70 children there and we weren't even asking for a baby! Again, we knew we were being deceived. Eric said something next that caused me to seriously question his sanity at the time. He clearly told them that if that was the case, we would be leaving on the next flight out and that we would be needing our $10,000 in cash returned to us in US bills. Yep, just that clearly and with all those terms. That gave us about 48 hours before the Sunday flight left.  My jaw was on the floor and I gave him my wickedest eye! This couldn't be happening to me! I just couldn't be one of the ones that came home from Kazakhstan without a son. The coordinator and director then began a heated debate between the two of them and asked us to leave the room for a moment. 

Once Eric and I sat back in the hallway, he explained something to me. He said, "I realized we were looking at this whole thing from an entirely wrong angle. We see this adoption as coming to get our son and we are emotionally tied up in it. They don't see it this way. They are only looking at this as a business deal. So that is exactly how we have to handle it. Trust me!".


Several minutes later they came out and told us that they had children upstairs for us to see. Nothing short of amazing that available children appeared after Eric's ultimatum. They asked us to come back tomorrow as the children were sleeping. Uhhhh.....not gonna happen! We stayed on the bench and politely said we had plenty of time to wait until nap time was over which completely frustrated them. They agreed to let us go upstairs to see the sleeping children. 


We walked into a room of about 13 or so sleeping toddlers. Eric and I quietly tiptoed past each crib looking at the sleeping children all with blankets on in July! We walked over to the last crib by the window. When I looked down at this child, I gasped a bit so surprised to finally see my son sleeping in his crib. Before I could say anything, Eric immediately said, "Well there you are Grant! We've been looking all over for you!". He was wearing a pink Hello Kitty undershirt with a blanket over him and had the sweatiest head of thin, dark brown hair. His thumb was in his mouth and we could only see the side of his face.

Yes, this is what it was supposed to feel like! I literally felt all the same emotions that I felt the first time I held Allyson in my arms the day she was born. I was crying that day too. 

We went back downstairs to tell them again that we would wait until his nap was over so we could meet him. I was wondering how scared would he be? Would he love us or hate us? I never once thought about what medical issues he had.