More Difficult Decisions

Our court date was Friday and we were supposed to fly out Saturday morning to head to Almaty to catch our Sunday flight out of the country. The plan was to leave Grant in the orphanage while we waited for the process to finish. We would hopefully return in 4 to 5 weeks to get him and travel to Almaty to finish paperwork at the Consulate.

Really! How pathetic is that little face? Could you leave him behind?

I had been thinking about staying. I had Mom DHL some of my meds over as extra. Thankfully they made it through customs without difficulty. I told Eric that I wanted to stay. "T" was still waiting for her court date so she would be there at least a few more days with me before she headed home. I had heard that there was a possibility that I could get the orphanage director to allow me to keep Grant with me in the apartment. I just couldn't imagine making headway with him only to leave him for so many weeks and then re enter his life again. If I could prevent the confusion for him, I thought it would be best.

My 4 yr old baby back home

My new son who was just beginning to trust

 I missed Allyson terribly and knew that I would not only be missing her 5th birthday, but would be missing her first day of kindergarten. Talk about mommy guilt. I'll be living with that one till the day I die. But I think Grant needed me more. I felt like I would be leaving MY son in an orphanage if I left.

The translator and I spoke with the orphanage director and I gave her a lovely gift at the time of our conversation. She told me that I could leave with Grant on Saturday morning quietly. She also said to keep him inside as I didn't not have any paperwork to show that this Kazakh child was actually mine. He had no birth certificate to even show the officers that patrol around if I was stopped. She warned me that if I was caught, it was all on me. She knew nothing about it.

I had no clothes for Grant. Nothing. Nada! No clothes, no baby meds, no cuddly stuffed animals. I was going home remember? Off to the market to buy 2 outfits, 2 undershirts, shoes, 2 pairs of socks, and a few minor necessities. I was going to be doing a lot of laundry by hand for sure!!!!


Eric, our translator, and I went to the orphanage early Saturday morning with clothes in hand. We dressed him and said goodbye. One nanny in particular had an extremely hard time with Grant's departure. She cried so hard that she sobbed shoulders shaking. Eric tried as best as he could to reassure her that we would love him and that he would have the very best life. And off we drove back to the apartment to drop Grant and myself off before Eric left for home.

Saying goodbye Saturday morning. The orphanage staff hadn't even been made aware that we were leaving that day.

You probably notice that Grant is still stuck with the flat affect face. No emotion. He still hadn't smiled. It had been just over three weeks.

This very difficult decision ended up providing an amazing bond between Grant and myself. I would be his new caretaker twenty-four seven. He would learn over the next 5 weeks what having a mommy was all about. When he woke up, he would see me. When he was hungry, I would feed him. When he was cuddled, all me. When he went to sleep, the last thing he would see was his mom. 

Getting to Know Him

There is a three week visitation requirement in Kazakhstan before you can apply for the adoption of the child. So for every day with the exception of Sunday (baby washing day) we visited.  We headed back to the orphanage again the next day and my emotions were all over the place. I felt a heavy blanket of guilt for leaving behind "Y" and knowing that we would see him again with each orphanage visit. At the same time, I was overjoyed at the thought of holding Grant again. He did better the second day meaning he didn't scream the entire time. He did sleep most of the time which would become his usual means of coping. I also think he was given medicine to make him sleepy and drowsy. No child sleeps that much and that deeply.  He was impossible to wake up. Eric even held him upside down one day to try to wake him without success.  It didn't matter what time of day we came, he looked at us and then slept.  "Little M" (the one year old adopted the day we met 'Y' didn't do that with her new mother "T". She played and laughed and toddled around happily. Grant sat and stared with a dazed blank affect on his face and then dozed off. We were scolded multiple times for letting him sleep too!

I loved feeling his little cheek against mine. 

We tried spending our days outside with him. The inside rooms didn't get any breeze and the staff wouldn't allow us to open any windows anyway.  So for several hours we would walk around the orphanage grounds watching the older children play and vie for our attention.